First Impressions: Cult ‘You’re Next’ – It Is They Who Are Seeking

Calling Cult a television show is a bit of a stretch. It presents itself as an edgy drama, that is both a meta commentary on television obsession and a thriller about a reporter and television show researcher investigating a hidden cult. It tries to have the “edginess” and dumb females of The Following, the dense mythology of LOST, and the absolute ridiculousness of Zero Hour – and doesn’t manage to be anything but laughable at any of those. 3D glasses, bloody murders, crooked cops, dirty journalists, weird celebrities, cults… Cult has everything, and absolutely nothing.

It’s not a good sign when the tv show inside the tv show is more interesting to watch then what’s actually happening on screen: there are three or four scenes that are just a camera staring at a television screen for minutes, as this goofy drama about a cult that’s supposed to have some larger meaning gets broadcast for no apparent reason. It’s a pretty fucking dumb idea: a group of obsessed fans are killing people based on what the say on TV, hunting down those trying to point out some vague conspiracy that involves 3D glasses and of course, a book full of fucking secrets and clues.

Apparently the CW just took an old 2006 script and stole stuff from every show on TV and shoved it in here. Disgraced Washington Post reporter Jeff is living in Los Angeles, and his crazy brother Nate gets abducted (in bloody fashion) from his apartment after warning Jeff about the cult. Waitresses in this world are evil: one notices Jeff’s brother in a restaurant, and another snaps up a mouthy little network executive on the television show for inexplicable reasons near the end of the pilot.

But the conspiracy doesn’t end there: there’s a black detective “investigating” Nate’s disappearance (cue dramatic music) But She Has a CULT TATTOO ON HER HAND! That’s all we know about her for now: she’s sneaky, rocks a short hair cut, and doesn’t seem to be interested in doing any real police work. But the average person in the world of Cult is so dumb, they don’t notice cars from TV shows driving around, people getting murdered, or a massive conspiracy (that Nate warns us goes “way beyond” being just a TV show) going on their television sets every day. Those fans are just “dedicated”, like we hear eighteen times through the episode.

And how could I forget totally baseless attraction between Jeff and Skye, simply because they’re the two good looking leads, so they have to share long looks in car rides, undressing each other as they sweatily uncover the conspiracy and save Nate by bumping uglies. We’re told everything is connected in Cult – but the only thing that connects to anything is the phrase everyone is shouting before they commit suicide…

… a phrase that turns out to be a password on a disc that plays a video and hacks your computer. Seriously… multiple characters on the show and the show-within-the-show use that as their last phrase on earth. And it’s a fucking password to a pointless DVD.

After Skye hacks a cell phone with her talents she got “working on a Bruckheimer show”, I couldn’t roll my eyes any more – which made moments like when she calls her father a “newsman” that much more difficult to sit through. The worst of it all, is that Cult is dead serious about its uber-vague “connections” and creepy Billy Grimm (who probably rapes kids) character… which is really what makes the show so unbearably awful in every way.

Grade: F

– Skye can hack a phone, but some web site links prove “hard to get into.”

– The creator of the television show is someone who is not able to be reached. He’s not seen, nor heard. I smell conspiracy!!!

– Skye mentions that an actress is missing from the show: and nobody gives a shit!

– the episode rests its emotional laurels on a brotherly connection that amounts to a childhood photo. They spend two minutes together on screen, but we’re supposed to invest in it as the emotional crux of the series?