First Impressions: The Neighbors ‘Pilot’ – That’s Definitely European

Unfunny, out of place, cliched… these are all words that describe The Neighbors so succinctly, it’s scary. For such a high-concept show in such a gifted time slot (between the modestly performing The Middle and the ratings juggernaut Modern Family), surrounded by constant marketing shoved down our throat for two months, it’s one shallow fucking show. Of all the descriptors available to accurately describe The Neighbors, I think only one really captures the true nature of the show: unnecessary.

Really – it seems like a dumb question, but what is the point of this show? To show us what it would be like to flip 3rd Rock from the Sun, replacing the eccentric, lovable aliens with the world’s most vanilla New Jersey family, and feature a race of aliens with completely random features. I almost feel insulted while I watch the Zabvronians ‘cry’ out of their ears and read books to feed themselves: it’s all so aimless and stupid, it begs the question whether ANYBODY at ABC bothered to watch this pilot make it out the door.

It all just feels haphazardly thrown together, with no attempt whatsoever at saying or doing anything original and/or interesting. The Weavers are a family who move to a closed neighborhood for apparently no reason – that is, until a random scene near the end drops all sorts of exposition on us about the person father Marty Weaver wished he could’ve been. Personality-free children round out the bunch (when the male child is presented with the opportunity of meeting a new friend: “Do you have a PlayStation? No? Not interested”), and so on the most basic level of creating characters the audience gives half a shit about, it fails.

The half of the episode not dedicated to setting up some a family dynamic that will put audiences to sleep on a weekly basis, there are the presence of the aliens, whose random physical and cultural traits are introduced like the team of writers threw boogers at the script, and filled those snot spots in with some stupid reference to something about the aliens. They cry out of their ears, they eat with their eyes, the men carry the babies – isn’t this the most interesting premise in the world? Add to the under cooked alien race a background ripped DIRECTLY from 3rd Rock (aliens stranded on Earth after coming to learn about the planet), and there’s a reason this review is going to end in the next paragraph.

There’s no doubt this show is going to be off the air by the mid season schedule – for all the hype ABC built up for the show, a midseason replacement waits in the wings, ready to pounce once the inevitable ratings plummet occurs. If there’s ever been a show so bland it nearly became offensive, The Neighbors perfectly fits the bill: mindless, pointless, and guaranteed to be cancelled within four episodes – seriously, do any of the actors even pretend like they think the show’s going to last during the pilot? We all know this isn’t going to be around long.

Grade: F

Other thoughts/comments:

– I hate to be that guy, but Lenny Venito’s comic presence is suited for guest character roles. The ‘straight Christian Dad’ is just not a role he can fill believably – which is too bad, because I’d like to see him fill out a minor role on a show that has a fucking clue on how to do anything.

– speaking of the Christian undertones, Marty praying was painful.

– the dramatic, orchestral soundtrack? Can that shit.

– The episode’s biggest joke is literally saying ‘Dick Butkus’ over and over again.  Creativity doesn’t live here, folks.

– does anybody have any grasp on who any of these people are? I mean, there wasn’t even an attempt to characterize any of the characters outside of Marty’s Big Speech about his father and overstepping his dreams that I’ve already forgotten most of.

What did you think of The Neighbors? Feel free to leave your thoughts/comments below!